So I have gone dark on my social media apps. No Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat for 30 days. Instead I am doing a 30 day blog challenge. So I found a list of topics to use that I found interesting to use… so here we go.
The first one on the list is Day 1 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
So much for the “Hey introduce yourself and tell us 10 interesting facts about yourself”
I recently addressed this on Facebook and posted about it. Here is what I wrote:
“I got asked again why I am single... I responded first with what I have heard people say behind my back (as if others wouldn't tell me because that's how people are, dummy).
1. I am too old.
2. I am ugly.
3. I am fat.
4. I am mental.
5. I am drama.
6. I am too sensitive.
7. I am just meh.
8. I am not someone a woman wants to be seen with.
Then I gave the things I want in a girlfriend/wife.
1. I want a woman who puts family first and above all things. This means she understands priorities and loyalty. So when WE become a family then we are good.
2. I want a woman who understands trust. Not as a term but as a commitment that can not be broken.
3. I want a woman who wants to be called "beautiful" instead of "sexy".
4. I want a woman who is confident. She can rock a pair of black sweatpants just as well as a little black dress and she knows it is only her opinion of herself that matters most... because see number 3.
5. I want a woman who is understanding that life can be hard mentally and physically but she is strong enough to cope and deal with it.
6. I want a woman who is independent. She can take care of herself. So letting me into her world is due to her wanting me in, not needing me in.
7. I want a woman with humility. She recognizes that what she has is a blessing.
8. I want a woman who is giving and caring. If she sees someone in need, she does what she can to help. Donates clothes and food. Tips the hard working server a little extra for working hard. Everyone has a struggle.
So that is why...”
I will say that being single as long as I have has sucked at times. I do understand that we all like to have our alone and downtime but it is always nice to have a special relationship with someone. People tell me all the time to get on one of the dating websites. I am just not the guy to do that. To me they are all hook up sites. People tell me how great they are. Of course the people that tell me that are single and many have “hooked up” with someone they met on them. Like we don’t know. Haha. But where do you meet someone? Most of the time we are at work so work relationships are likely. I know plenty of people who have been in them and many did not work out, but many did. Led to marriage and kids. I am not a church going person anymore so I cannot meet anyone there. The time I spend in the gym is to literally workout. I am not there to meet anyone. Get in, get out.
Then there are the “friends of friends” introductions. I will tell you this right now, every single time I have been in this situation I have asked my friends this simple question: “Do you even know me!!!????” They have tried to hook me up with the people that I just don’t get along with. Anytime someone says they want me to meet someone I say “Not just no but HELL NO!!”
The main reason I am single is because I have no power over the person inside of me when it comes to my value. This is not easy to say but it is true.
This is my shining example of how the messed up person on the inside has ruined it…
I met a girl out one night for dinner and drinks. I really liked her. The conversation was magical. Everything was amazing about the night. The entire time we were face to face I felt like I was outside myself. I was not all he bullet points listed about. I didn’t feel old, fat, ugly or anything negative. I felt like the luckiest guy. I felt amazing. I felt inspired. I did not feel like I did not deserve this time with this person.
So it was time to end the evening and I walked her out to her car. Even that was awesome. The guy I was walking out to the car was that guy that was going to go in for the kiss goodnight. He was feeling the connection, he was feeling the moment. He believed she was too. As we go to the car, I started to get antsy. I was feeling kind of shy so I was a little nervous. That is when I looked off and caught my reflection in the side glass of the car. Right at that moment doubt and shame walked back in and took control.
Right there I saw the bullet points listed above in the flesh. I saw doubt, I saw shame, I saw someone who was not deserving. I gave her a hug and left. I beast myself up for that for days. Everything changed at that point and it was lost.
That is why I am single. Doubt, shame, fear, no value and no worth. When you have these pieces to your puzzle, you will always get the same picture.
I am working on it... but it ain’t easy.