So what did I learn the past 30 days? I learned that many people just do not like
me.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have some amazing friends. They are 2-way relationship type friends. They
are my meet me half way people. The past 30 days were a test for me. I decided
to after reading a quote that said “If they miss you, they’ll call. If they
want you, they will say it. If they care, they’ll show it. And if not, they
aren’t worth your time.
Now let’s look at some stats. In the last 30 days I got 2
text messages that was sent first and I got zero phone calls that were not spam
calls trying to sell me a home security system or something. First let me
explain that my crew, my squad, my homies… whatever people call it is not what I
am talking about here. I have ongoing
conversations with a handful of people like my friend Dianna. We could be
texting like 100 a day that ends with a question then go like 2 or 3 days with
nothing then all of a sudden there is a text with the answer. That is normally
how that goes. I have posted blogs and I
have received a lot of views and the one with the most views was about putting
my nephew’s cat, Georgie down due to a serious illness. Got over 60 views on
that. Now I did post a picture on
Instagram of Georgie and I posted the link to the blog on Facebook and got a
couple sweet comments but, after over 60 views, I did not get one message of condolence
or anything. No “Aww so sorry, hug Max for me”… nothing. Do people really not give a damn about
me? Proof is in the stats.
Let’s talk about the types of friends in my life….
2-way friends. I have
a few people in my life like Dianna, Melinda, Lyndsay, Maria, Lisa Marie, my
boys, Catherine, Brooke and a handful of others. These type of friends are the goal for any
friendship. For example, I can text my friend Maria right now and say that we
need to hang out and the response would be “let’s do lunch like Thursday and go
record shopping”. 2-way friends are the
type who, when someone expresses that they would like to spend some time with
them, they respond with “when is a good time for you?”
1 of the text messages I got this month was from my friend
Brooke who is on the East Coast. She wanted my address. I gave it to her. A few days later I got a card from her
telling me that she was thinking about me and wanted to show some love. Who does that? An amazing friend.
1-way friends. I am not listing names but I have many. These
types of friends are not the goal because if one person is doing everything to
keep the friendship going then it is not worth the time. These types are the ones that respond to the “we
need to hang out” statement with an “aww we do” and they leave it at that. No “well
let’s make that happen, what’s a good day for you?” 1-way friends don’t show up
when the chips are down, but get mad when you don’t show up for them.
Work friends. Now we spend most of our days at work and we
make friends there and those friends stay there. There are ones who move into the 2-way or
1-way or just stay as the work friend. Some of my 2-way friends were made at
work. There are prior work friends who don't have my cell but they have been posting comments and showing some love like my friends Pat Kroll and Teresa Gray. They are such good people.
Haters. We all have them and at times, we are them. They can
disguise themselves in the 2-way, 1-way and work friends but ultimately the
mask does get pulled off.
I was told by a former friend that I was a high maintenance
friend because of my expectations. My
response was simply that my expectations are based on the ones that were set by
this particular friend.
I don't get it really.
Am I wrong to think that friendships are valuable? That when 2 people decide to be friends and
share each others lives in that role, those friendships become valuable? Is it wrong?? The difference between friends
and family is that we choose our friends.
We pick each other out from the group and say that we are friends. We share stories and emotions. We support and encourage. We take the role of having each other's
back. I don't understand why that has to
be an issue.
Finding great friends is harder than people may think. Great friends are the ones that are there in
the good times and the bad. Most seem to
be there only in the good. Like the old
saying... a good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be sitting next to you in
the cell. I have learned this lesson the
hard way over the past years. My
stepfather died here in this house. I
did CPR. It failed. I failed.
That is how I felt and that is how I still feel about it. I let everyone know. I had this expectation. That expectation that was not totally
met. I sat in that funeral home waiting
for my closest friends to walk in and be there for me. It did not happen. However my friend Duane, who I had seen only
once in the past 20 plus years drove up from Killeen to be there with me and my
family. My friends Sarah and Natalie had
me over to Sarah's that night and made dinner and were there for me. My reassurance in people was saved by them
that night. Is that high
maintenance? To expect people to drop
everything and come running when you are in trouble? Is it wrong to drop everything and listen
when someone needs to vent? If it is in
that situation then I have a crapload of high maintenance friends out there
because I have done that. I have driven
miles and miles to be there. I will
again. That is what a friend does. This is not a call out on anyone. Just my perspective.
This came up recently with my friend Dianna. Her Grandmother
took a turn for the worse and passed away a couple days ago. Their family is
very private and during the last days it was family only that was there. It was not appropriate to pop in. But I
texted her daily. I know she was not looking at her phone and reading
messages. She went dark during this time
to devote all of her attention to her grandmother. But when she finally did
look at her phone she was able to see that a friend was praying for her and
loving her and willing to do what was needed if asked. I wanted her to know
that she was not alone. That is what a friend does.
What I ask for in a friend is to live up to the expectation
that you set. I am pretty flexible on
this but the expectations have to be realistic. I don't think having to takes sides or choose
a belief because one friend wants you to do that over another friend is
realistic. Nor do I think it is fair. It is like one friend telling me to stop
being friends with another friend because they like "Hello Kitty" too
much... No one has that authority over me.
Sometimes things come up but it is just as easy to cancel a
plan as much as it is to set it. Heck if
you fail to show for your doctor's appointment, the doctor will charge you a
fee. So to avoid it, we call and cancel
or change. No big deal. No harm, no foul. But why is it wrong to expect the same from a
friend. Like saying, "let's meet
for dinner next week".... "Ok
let's do that. You pick the day since I have no schedule issues." "ok I will call or text you tomorrow and
let you know." The expectation is
now set. One friend is now in charge to
call or text about it. Well then there
is nothing. No call. No text.
Nada... Is it wrong to be
bothered by that? For me I think the
friend who failed that expectation is not considerate. I don't believe it is high maintenance of
me. I think it is the natural reaction
to a failed expectation.
I had a friend that wanted to meet for Pho last week. We set a day and time. Well first thing that
morning, before I even woke up, she texted me and said she was assigned to
train someone for the rest of the week and she needed to postpone. She was
considerate to me and my time. Well
Friday morning she texted and said that she did not have to train and wanted to
see if I wanted to meet that day. She apologized for it being short notice but
she wanted to see me. Well I had a thing so I couldn’t do it but she showed me
that she did want to see me. That was considerate.
At my last job the biggest complaint from customers was that
the set expectation was not made. No
follow up that was expected, was completed.
Customers got upset and gave bad service scores. Sometimes there are things that come up that
keep you from meeting the expectation.
The simple solution is communication.
Even if that communication comes well after the fact in a form of an
apology. Does it fix the missed
expectation? No. But it may ease the impact of it.
The issue here is that "oh he will get over it"
attitude that I don't like. No, I will
not get over it if I am left hanging.
Communication of some kind can ease the situation. I don't believe it is high maintenance. I believe it is a basic request. I may be wrong on this but when a friend
asks me to drop everything and come running, I do. I guess I am high maintenance like that.
So many times people talk about cleaning out their Facebook
friends list of people they really don’t know or people they only met once that
they friended. I have been “cleaned out”
of some lists myself. I am not sure if I am going to do that but I know I will
not waste another moment on inconsiderate people who don’t want to appreciate
when someone is willing to give them time. I thought about just changing my number and blocking people from my life. Like they always say “Time is
valuable”. I am no angel, that’s for
sure. I have not been a good friend at
times myself. No one is perfect. I don’t expect perfection from anyone. I expect consideration and honesty. Is that so wrong to expect?
“Choose who you spend time with wisely. Life is too short to
waste your valuable time with the wrong people” – Joel Osteen via Twitter