Trying to think back to some times where I embarrassed myself or just found myself in an embarrassing situation. I got 3. Oh there are many more but you only get 3.
1. High school. So it was my senior year and I was walking into school. There were a ton of people hanging out at the front door and several were cheerleaders. One that I liked in particular. Well the big thing for guys to wear where penny loafers. Shiny maroon penny loafers. Well this guy happened to score him a pair and that was the day I was going to wear them to school for the first time. I had the cuffs on my jeans rolled right, because we were cool like that, and I had my loafers on with a shiny penny in each. I got dropped off in the parking lot and started my strut towards the front door. People looking at me because I was doing everything to get their attentions. As I stepped off the center curb onto the pavement the one problem with penny loafers that no one told me about, came to pass. The bottom of these shoes are slick as lube on glass. I stepped, my left foot decided it was time to slide out from under me in a violent and supernaturally fast fashion. My leg shot up like a Radio City Rockette and I flipped right on my back. Both legs flew up, ass in the air, books and papers everywhere like I was carrying a hand grenade. It the classic feet flying out from under you, flip on your back moment. I may have farted pretty loud too but I played that off like a champ.
2. One of those “you are so fat” days. So a long time ago I worked in North Richland Hills but lived in Garland. That was a serious commute. Like an hour with no traffic. One night I was walking out to my car and as I fumbled for my keys to open the door, I ended up dropping them. I bent over to get them and my pants ripped right at the crack. I heard it, I felt the breeze on my junk. It was an epic rip. I was more angry than embarrassed. They were a new pair of pants and I was fat and they were tight. I go so mad that when I sat in my car I reached down into my crotch and grabbed the tear and yanked it, tearing my pants even more. I swear I was damn near just in my underwear, I tore them that much. I didn’t care. The house I lived in had a garage. I could get home, park in the garage and shut the door and walk right in. No one would see me. So I started my drive home. I would take 183 from NRH to Irving then cut across at the old Texas Stadium to Northwest Highway and take that all the way to Garland. What my dumbass self did not realize until I got on Northwest Highway is that I was almost out of gas. Like the light was flashing and there was no way in hell I could make it home without stopping. Now this was back in the day where you had to go in and pay for gas. I had no other covering in the car. It was summer so it was not like I could wrap my coat around my exposed fat ass. Well I pulled over at a 7-11. Bit my pride in the exposed ass. Walked in, grabbed a 12 pack of beer and walked to the counter. Of course there was some damn convention in that place too… I walked up and said “it’s been one of those days and 20 on number 3”. Walked to the car, gassed up. Heard a honk or 2… drove home and drank beer.
3. My recent Vegas trip. Now the past trip was the best ever, as detailed in a prior post, but I did not talk about this moment because I saw this topic coming. The band I was watching was playing on the big stage on Fremont Street. Right next to that stage is the Glitter Gulch. Now the Glitter Gulch is famous for the neon cowgirl sign. One thing going on are the pictures that pop up on the signs by the door. The women in those pictures are supermodel types. I mean they sell you on going in. I was talking to my new Vegas friend, Vegas Rob and asked him about it. He told me to never go in. He warned me. My friend, Carrie Ann, said the same. Do not go in there. Well the concert ended and I started my walk back to the hotel. As I am passing the Glitter Gulch a woman comes out and stands at the entrance. She was gorgeous! Right in front of her were these 2 very endowed ladies dressed in Showgirl costumes taking pictures with anyone who wanted one. Their outfits consisted of tiny bikini bottoms and paint. That was it. So I walk by and make eye contact with the girl at the door and I asked her if those 2 girls worked there and she said no. She said they could not cut it in there. I was like, wow… those 2 where amazing so the women inside the Gulch must me even more. So, against all advice, I go in. The girl tells me there is no cover but a 2 drink minimum. She walked me in, sat me at the stage and took my drink order and walked away. I look up and there were 3 girls on the stage. Amazing, hot, gorgeous even in stripclub lights, girls. So there I am and out the corner of my eye I see the waitress coming up and she was pulling a blonde behind her. I did not get a good look but did see that the girl passed behind then I felt her sit down to my left. I pay for my drinks and the waitress says “I brought your girl to you.” I said “my girl???” and she says “yes, we assign you a girl so you enjoy yourself”. Well, thankfully I had a few drinks in me already so my ability to react was delayed. I turn to my left to see my “girl”…. Not lying one bit… but she has to be at least 70. I swear!! Like I said I didn’t react, thankfully. So she starts talking to me like a typical girl trying to get your money… “Hey handsome, how are you baby? You come here often?” I was like, “no, I am from Texas so this is my first time.” Well she drops her top and shakes her moneymakers at me and says “welcome to Vegas!” At this point reality has set in and I know I am in trouble. So I tell her I was just there to have a couple beers before I head to my hotel and I just wanted to tip the girls dancing in front of me. I tried and tried to get away but it was no use. I knew the only way was to either just run or get a dance. I didn’t want to be rude so I tell her that I need 2 things, an ATM and a bathroom. So she takes my hand and drags me off towards the bathroom. So she has on granny panties that had to be bedazzled… huge granny support bra… stockings… that where bedazzled too… serious varicose veins… like they had interstate logos on them. She was a large woman as well. Now she is dragging me behind her like a kid who was going to go get spanked by his great great GREAT grandmother. She leads me to the bathroom and tells me “there you go handsome, I will be waiting for you right here”… there was a guy walking in behind me and we ended up at the urinals. He is giggling. I look over and say “well at least there was no cover!” and we both laugh. He told me to do whatever I could to escape.
So here is my saving grace. My bank does a nightly audit where they shut down the system for like an hour. This happens from 4 to 5am Texas time. I go to the ATM with granny standing behind me. It told me that the system was unavailable. Tried it a couple times with the same result. So I showed her the slip and found my escape plan. I gave her 1 of the beers and tell her that there is an ATM right outside that I used earlier and to wait while I go get cash. She agreed. So I bolted. I get to the door and the bouncer stops me. I was like crap!! Let me escape. He told me that I had to pour the beer in a plastic cup so I did. I literally walked out and dropped it Michael Bay Action movie style and totally ran back to my hotel. I came up to the street light and it was red so I had to wait. I felt like granny was chasing me. I could not jaywalk since there was a cop right there. I got into the hotel and ran through the casino and got to the elevator. I think I pressed that button 2234524545 times. I got to the 7th floor, ran as soon as the doors opened. Went to my room, locked the door and hid in a corner.